Unemployed? No problem!

If you're unemployed or fearing you're about to be, don't worry - Mama government is here to help you. Now you can be on unemployment for up to 99 weeks. Isn't that swell? You could take the time to clean the backyard, go on a staycation, or just stay up all night watching Nickelodeon. Who cares?

When I was a young man without much in the way of money, fame, good looks, friends, fame, money, family support, money, people that liked me, a useful degree, good looks, fame, or money, you know what I did when I got fired or layed-off from one of my non-unionized, uninsured, abusive-boss jobs?

I WENT OUT AND GOT ANOTHER ONE. WHATEVER JOB I COULD FIND. I have never been on unemployment, food stamps, handouts, or whatever. I did stay at my father's house for a year while down on my luck in my mid-20s (and was thankful to stay there for the time), but even then I worked two jobs to save up and get back on my feet. He paid me about $6 an hour for warehousing & deliveries, and my other jobs paid between 8 and 10 bucks per hour.

NOTHING LIKE THE FEAR OF BEING PENNILESS AND ON THE STREET ON YOUR OWN TO GET SOME PEOPLE INTO THE WORKFORCE. Go to any mall, fast food joint, restaurant, call center, or other places that don't require much in the way of technical skill. Think you can find a job? I bet you a million dollars there is a job in your town you could walk into tomorrow! Want to take me up on the bet? Send your gold equivalent to my house and I'll hold onto it while you look for work! Ha! Fooled you! I will take your gold and run away!

Ha! Fooled you again! I wouldn't do that because it would be unethical!

I realize it might be unbecoming for a former exec or technical expert of a now defunct start-up to work at Burger King or Road House as a prep cook, but my man, since you blew all your income on high priced dance clubs, vacation condos, and Ferraris when life was good, whose fault is this when you get down to it?

Do you feel demeaned, marginalized, or embarrassed to be a college-educated 40-50 year old, working next to 18-year old stoner kids who think foreign policy is something you can catch a venereal disease from? Does it bother you when they laugh at the old guy? Are you too good for this sort of thing?

Tales of your exploits sailing to the Galapagos Islands to poach baby seals are not going to put food on your table.

Are you going to have to downsize your life? Is that dream of owning your own home, and a vacation home, and one for your mistress over? It sure is!

IT'S WAY OVER. YOU LOSE. THE SYSTEM WINS.

Wake up to the new world my friends. Want to hold out for that super-duper executive position you're highly qualified for? Go for it! I'll see you in the Soup Kitchen line!

My sympathy is running dry. Get a job. Get any job. Ideally a high paying government job (they can pay more, since they can also make the money, and the rules, and then change them, and then take your stuff, and then change the rules again). Make a new job for yourself. Do something besides sit around and think you deserve better than this.

You don't deserve anything but what you make or do for yourself.

Stop the insanity! Our expected Federal deficit next year is 1.2 trillion. $98 billion of that is going to unemployment extensions.

A trillion dollars is 1,000 billion. A billion dollars is 1,000 million.

That is 1,200,000 million. Or 1.2 million million dollars.

GAH! MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED!